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Life coach

Rage contained in white walls
Thin blue blanket; plastic mattress
It's not what you're thinking
I've decided to say, often
Fuck you, since there's no love to be lost

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


A tale of grace that's all her own

This week you would have turned seven.

Seven years. Seven the number I love. Seven years, the name of the song this journal was named from when you began; seven years, balanced so perfectly between worlds of magic and worlds of comprehension, where reality was still as fascinating as dreams.

I take in the tumbling wisps of curls of your little sister and wonder how much you'd have resembled her, or resented her, or if she would have even existed if you had been a reality instead of a dream. I wonder at the strong blonde dissimilarity of your older brothers and wonder if you'd have been like one, or the other, or somewhere between, or nothing like either of them at all. I wonder if I would have still existed if you'd been a reality instead of a dream.

So much has changed and passed me by in seven years. Our gift to you, the only one we had to give, was that you would remain unchanged, perfect, pure, existing only in love, beauty, and memory.

Seven years.


at night
like leaden dragonflies
my mind flutters
alighting its weight on every regret
searching for way
i could have called you

May. 6th, 2013

The last brush of your lips on mine, the unspoken "I wish I could have loved you the way you needed," is locked already inside my mind's treasure box of sweetest, perfect moments. I only wish I'd kissed you longer.

Mar. 16th, 2012

the clock is a mad jester in the playground of memory.

Oh yes, it's that time again!

It's kind of interesting to do the same meme every year, and watch my answers change.


Clicky for the questions.Collapse )

43. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind, but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time, hangin' round the ceiling half the time

Compared to some I've been around, but I've really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

In the end I was the mean girl, or somebody's in-between girl,
Now it's the devil I love.

even though i never spoke his name.

I do not know how to process grief that is purely loss, and is not accompanied by the empowering forward motion footholds of relief or anger. It is so strange, and so bittersweet, and a difficult lesson on how to try to let go of want, a want for something that was not destructive, that made me a better, happier, kinder person, trying to find ways to hold on to the good elements and let the rest slip away.
In a way there is anger, not at a person but at the universe, a universe that seems to perpetually taunt me, holding out glimmering beautiful possible futures that shine like stars, nearly dropped into my outstretched palms, dreamed of, ached for, only to find when I try to close my fingers that they fall through a mist of unfulfilled wishes.
I’m trying so hard to not think myself unloveable, and I really wish that it was not the common theme in the demise of the largest number of my relationships. While a few have ended for other reasons, most of them are simply that the other person didn’t feel that love in the right way no matter how beautiful they found me to be, and it’s a never-ending battle to chalk so many of them up to coincidence.
I am beautiful and loveable and I hope someday the universe will allow me to feel that, warmed by the rays of another’s starshine instead of solely lit from within by my own. 

winter's run

the wind today has lost that warm earthiness of autumn, trading it for the crisp crystalline scent of ice.  the years go by so much faster as they pass. 
This is a letter I'm going to send off, and link to, and hopefully broadcast in an attempt to get Wordpress to take action to enforce their own Terms of Service.  Please feel free to link, repost, forward, mail and any other spreading of the word you can do.  ♥

While the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival (MWMF) is an event you may or may not usually concern yourself with, I wanted to bring to your attention an appalling violation of trans women’s privacy and safety that is happening in conjunction with the festival right now, and the refusal of blog website Wordpress to take any action to enforce their terms of service and protect a vulnerable population from harassment or worse.
I’ve never attended or really even cared about MWMF myself, but was aware from friends who have gone that there has been an ongoing controversy regarding the attendance of trans women. There are many trans women who love to go and bond with other women. There’s also a faction of MWMF attendees that feel the festival should be free of all persons born with penises and open to “womyn born womyn” only.
I don’t really want to get into the body-parts-based admission policies of the MWMF, however. What really disgusts me is a blog post related to this topic on the blog GenderTrender. (I'm not publicly linking to it in order to refrain from compromising the privacy of these women further). I find the post hateful in so many ways, the least of which is actually the blogger’s only "womyn-born-womyn" stance on the controversy. No, what is really disgusting is what she feels her opinion entitles her to do.
This blog post outs several trans women with both pseudonyms AND legal names, their photos, where they can be found at the festival, and in some cases their profession and employment. Being on this “hitlist” was not consented to by any of them, and it associates them with accusations of volatile behavior that the author has absolutely no proof any of them participated in. The blogger refuses to use female pronouns and asserts that these women, who live in one of the most marginalized segments of our society, are “chest pounding” and trying to assert male privilege in invading a womens’ space – as if women who’ve survived gender dysphoria and live outside of our binary ideas of gender have any male privilege to speak of. I can’t even fathom the kind of vulnerability and violation these women must feel. They’re now at risk for ongoing harassment from MWMF-goers, both online and in person at any future fests, and at risk of harassment and potentially violence from any other hateful person that happens to stumble on that post.
The blogger is also putting these people in possible professional peril - at least one woman is listed by both her legal name, profession, and business name AND by the stage name she uses as an actress in (feminist-award-winning, actually) adult films. Suddenly, anyone who googles her in a professional capacity becomes immediately aware of her other work, without any consent from her.
I know there are several people, myself included, that reported to Wordpress this gross violation of privacy AND the Wordpress Terms of Service, which states “By making Content available, you represent and warrant that…the Content does not contain threats or incite violence towards individuals or entities, and does not violate the privacy or publicity rights of any third party.” (http://en.wordpress.com/tos/)
Everyone who has made a report to Wordpress received a single paragraph canned reply that states:
“WordPress.com is in no position to arbitrate disputes or make judgment on such claims. As per http://en.support.wordpress.com/disputes/, please provide us with a Court Order including a court's decision regarding this particular content; if any content is found to be defamatory or illegal by a court of law, it will be removed immediately from our service. Any court order, should you obtain one, must be sent to the following e-mail address:court-orders@wordpress.com
Even more than I was outraged at the blogger herself, I’m outraged at Wordpress. Absolutely they have the ability and the RESPONSIBILITY to enforce their terms of service. Absolutely they can tell a blogger she must remove photos used without permission. Absolutely they can insist that a blogger cannot out members of a vulnerable minority without consent. They DO NOT have to wait for a court of law to enforce their own Terms of Service.
Because Wordpress seems flatly uninterested in taking any action to protect these women, I thought I’d write to you. A good old-fashioned media shaming campaign might possibly make them take a hard look at their terrible policies of doing absolutely nothing to protect a vulnerable population and shirking their responsibility to ensure that their terms of service are followed..
Thank you for your time.
well. that was (mostly) fun while it lasted.  now for the next adventure in the queue.