This is from an email I wrote to Lenore Skenazy today, the founder of
Free-Range Kids, which is basically a movement that counters much of the odd, paranoid parenting styles that are prevalent(and touted by the "experts!") today, often called "helicopter parenting" in which a parent believes a child (an older one of course, well past preschoolerhood) cannot be unsupervised for even a few moments without putting their lives at risk. The truth is, if you teach kids how to deal with the world, they are actually very competent, and when given the chance to be independent, often end up learning this amazing thing called "self-sufficiency." Basically, it's an anti-coddling movement.
Lenore,
I have been reading your site for some time now, and practicing free-range parenting (and railing against the bizarre and inhuman expectations of both parents and kids) since my son was quite young. Thus far, it's been great for both of us. However, we recently relocated to a totally different area of the country while my husband is in grad school, and we are living in student housing that is situated in the middle of several very, very affluent suburbs. Helicopter parenting isn't just a lifestyle around here, it's a strict religion from which you do not deviate or ELSE. This thankfully doesn't involve the police like some other recent incidents you've talked about, but I do think I'll end up facing the administration of his school, and the body of the parents as an extention.
Thankfully, the other parents in our housing complex are more relaxed, but I've run into several issues at his school. Mostly I've been able to ignore them since they didn't directly involve my son - things like getting multiple email bulletins about a "strange man" scaring a little girl in her yard in a town 15 miles away (the man was a neighbor with mild dementia that had simply waved to her), and a more irritating scenario with an elderly man being caught watching some girls at horse riding practice at a nearby private school. This man had been convicted of possessing teen porn sometime in the distant past, but that was enough to cause his arrest and for a mob of hysterical parents to show up at his arraignment, screaming at him to stay away from their children, nevermind he has no record of ever hurting a child or attacking a person at all and uses a walker. We received over a dozen emails about that, complete with his personal contact information and vehicle registration information. Again, these didn't relate directly to my son but it gives you an idea of the mindset of this school. One other thing to note - this school houses grades 2-5, but also thinks that kids can't handle a full day of school until third grade, and release the second graders an hour and a half earlier than the other grades, except for Wednesdays when the whole school dismisses early.
The school is set off of a very quiet residential street that rarely gets traffic except for the school. The school itself does not have a parking lot, but it does have a long, speed-bumped driveway ending in a large cul-de-sac with a circular median in the center. Parents use this "loop" for dropping off and picking up. There are no posted rules either at the school or in the handbook about parking or dropping off other than a sign that says "pull forward to drop off or pick up" - the drive is sufficiently small and narrow that it only allows for a single-file line of cars around the loop who move at a crawl - not even close to 5 mph. There are also no posted rules about the children's movements either - they wait on the lawn until they see their parents' car and hop in. Apparently the school recently decided to designate a sort of "pick up monitor" as suddenly today there was a woman in a bright yellow vest trying futilely to shepherd the kids about as they went off to their respective cars. Most of the kids were largely ignoring her.
This particular Wednesday I was stopped on the far side of the loop waiting for my son. I saw this entire incident. My son was waiting and watching on the sidewalk. Seeing that the traffic was entirely stopped, he crossed the first side of the loop at a jog and got to the median. Before he could cross to our car, Ms. Yellow-vest-monitor ran to the median, grabbed my son by the shoulder, and pulled him back across the street. She then forced him to walk around the loop (through not an insignificant amount of mud because there are not sidewalks on the loop's far side) and then approached my car.
She immediately began ranting about how my son "crossed the street without even LOOKING!!" Except... all the cars were parked or stopped, he DID look, and I saw him do this. My son, incredibly insulted that someone would think he lacks that much common sense, protested. After yelling at him about how he was talking to a TEACHER and how DARE he use that tone, she broke into a spiel about the "Principal's safety initiatives" and how he openly defied them (I have heard absolutely nothing about safety initiatives - if there are new rules, they never informed the parents). I responded calmly that I had seen my son cross the street responsibly and that I, for one, found the school's obsession with "safety" to be paranoid and detrimental to the development of the students as independent thinkers. She looked at me in horror and whipped out that classic line "Do you WANT your son to get hit by a car?" I replied "Of course not. He's quite capable of crossing streets carefully." She then started demanding that I tell her my son's name and room. I refused her requests and said I'd deal with the situation at home, and told her that I would like to leave, would she please let go of my vehicle - at this point she had her head inside the car window and was hanging on to the door. Instead she started banging on the door frame, shouting "I'm going to report this! I am going to report this!" I had to start easing the car forward before she finally let go. My son had no idea who this woman was. I found her level of threats and hysteria to be totally inappropriate.
I don't know if the school has had any incidents of any cars hitting kids, but I suspect not. It's just not possible to go fast enough around that loop to pose any great risk.
I told my son I would absolutely stick up for him if they attempt to punish him, because he did nothing wrong or reckless. I find it hard to swallow that the school really believes that 8 to 11 year olds cannot cross a private cul-de-sac with incredibly slow to stopped traffic. Even if there IS a rule somewhere other than the handbook that kids are not allowed to cross, her reaction was totally unwarranted. He was never in any real danger.
How does one defend one's child in a situation like this where the school believes wholeheartedly in coddling children? I am quite certain I'll be contacted by the school administration, and while I know I can say that this woman completely overreacted, at the heart of this issue is this ludicrous idea that older kids can't get themselves safely from a lawn to a parked car. ...........
This kind of paranoia doesn't just happen at schools either. That stupid line could come up at someone saying they thought the 3oz limit on fluids on airlines was paranoid and useless and someone swallowing the propaganda would answer you "Do you WANT to be killed by a terrorist??" no matter how incredibly unlikely such a thing would be.
I really hate the idea of trading a great deal of our freedoms to "eliminate" an infinitesimal risk. I hate the idea of people being suddenly restricted in situations that have never been particularly dangerous (like the Brookside pick up loop) because someone just imagined there might be a danger (because I really don't think there have been any actual child-car accidents there). Did you know that the chance of becoming seriously ill from consuming homemade cookie dough is about 1 in 50 million? That only about 6 people out of 300 million die from egg-related foodborn illness each year, and that includes all egg instances and not just cookie dough? Did you know that cookie dough is incredibly delicious? Did you know that some parents nowadays might call CPS on you if you let your child eat it, nevermind that they're more likely to get ill from lunch meat or processed peanut products?
I'm so tired of fearmongering, and even more I'm tired of the pussies who just lay down and tremble in the face of it and hand over whatever freedom or money they're asked to sacrifice (yes, go right ahead and buy those knee pads and helmet for your crawling baby. I'm sure they wouldn't ever survive without it). I'm tired of people who can't accurately judge a risk, or understand statistics, or put isolated incidents in perspective. I'm tried of the judgment I have felt when I refuse to lay down and roll over as instructed. This is control people. When you let someone talk you into being terrified of something you didn't even know about yesterday, you are allowing them to control you.
What's more is that nothing you give up, not your money or your freedom or your control, nothing will make you or your child immortal or immune. Your padded baby will still die someday. Horrible tragedies will still occur at random to good people. This is life. You do not live it to it's fullest by hiding from it.
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