i have a lot of exes going through marital/relationship issues right now.   they tell me about them, ask my advice, and invariably during the course of things admit that i was the best lover/girlfriend/connection/most loyal/etc and so forth they ever had.

i hate this.

why did you all walk away then?  why are you married to your frigid/cheating/stupid/repressed/sucks in bed/dramatastic wife and i'm here alone? why the holy fuck am i sitting here letting you all cry cry cry on my shoulder when i know damn well the favor wouldn't be returned?  you left.  you all left.  this is not my fucking job anymore.  you HAVE a wife/girlfriend/whatever to hold you in the middle of the night when you're scared and sad and i've got a fucking pillow and a few meaningless platitudes about how i'm supposedly so very awesome but still, apparently, not good enough.

so i feel like really, the only thing i'm quite good for is for a good lay, but then when i try to capitalize on that, kink dot com never calls me back but then feature amateur girls who are not anywhere as cute as me.

so i guess i'm just good as an emotional dumping ground.

as pete put it recently, when i tried to tell him that what i really needed from a relationship was a safe place, to be able to put my worries down and have someone help me shoulder them, he said "but i thought you were always going to be the strong one, because you already are."

i'm not. i'm weak. i'm tired.  i'm scared. i want to be held.  i want to not be taken advantage of.  i want my love to not be wasted and gobbled up by people who just assume that i'm strong enough to not need love and care in return.  i want someone to notice that, sometimes, i need others to hold me up, too.

assholes.