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even though i never spoke his name.

I do not know how to process grief that is purely loss, and is not accompanied by the empowering forward motion footholds of relief or anger. It is so strange, and so bittersweet, and a difficult lesson on how to try to let go of want, a want for something that was not destructive, that made me a better, happier, kinder person, trying to find ways to hold on to the good elements and let the rest slip away.
 
In a way there is anger, not at a person but at the universe, a universe that seems to perpetually taunt me, holding out glimmering beautiful possible futures that shine like stars, nearly dropped into my outstretched palms, dreamed of, ached for, only to find when I try to close my fingers that they fall through a mist of unfulfilled wishes.
 
I’m trying so hard to not think myself unloveable, and I really wish that it was not the common theme in the demise of the largest number of my relationships. While a few have ended for other reasons, most of them are simply that the other person didn’t feel that love in the right way no matter how beautiful they found me to be, and it’s a never-ending battle to chalk so many of them up to coincidence.
 
I am beautiful and loveable and I hope someday the universe will allow me to feel that, warmed by the rays of another’s starshine instead of solely lit from within by my own. 

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
all_roped_up
Nov. 8th, 2011 07:26 pm (UTC)
I know it's not the same, or the king you're talking about, but I have a lot of love for you. ::Hugs::
world_rim_walke
Nov. 9th, 2011 02:10 pm (UTC)
I hope you do.
syncopatedlife
Nov. 9th, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
manic_geisha
Nov. 17th, 2011 06:55 am (UTC)
I was thinking about you today and that you are beautiful and loveable.

Really, I was!
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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